


Optical Phenomena

by childoflightning



Series: just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [23]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Character Study, Comfort No Hurt, Coming Out, Family, Fluff, Gay, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Genderqueer Character, Identity Issues, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M, Multi, Muslim Roman, Other, Pride, Questioning, Self-Love, Transgender, gender euphoria, non-binary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 09:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20992880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning
Summary: Roman was gay.And he knew that. He had known that since he was a child.Which was why at thirty years old he was struggling so hard with his identity.Because Roman knew he was gay, it had never been a question. But he wasn’t sure if he was a boy.~This is for any and every person who has ever been in a closet, whether it was by force or by choice, regardless of where they are on their journey.Happy National Coming Out Day.Each and every one of you is amazing.





	Optical Phenomena

**Author's Note:**

> **TW: Gender Dysphoria **  
In Depth TW In End Notes  
~
> 
> This is for those who...
> 
> spent their whole lives in a closet, never were in a closet, are forced to be in the closet, are in the closet by choice, left the closet years ago, are still in the closet.
> 
> This is for every LGBTQ+ person out there. I see you. We matter.
> 
> Happy National Coming Out Day.

Roman was gay.

He knew that from the moment his tiny brain could comprehend contemplating even somewhat complex thoughts. It just was. Roman didn't even remembering considering if the word fit or if he liked boys. He just knew. He was gay.

As he grew older he wondered if coming out had been so simple to him because of the fact that he had two dads. Eventually, he had come to the conclusion that it was probably partially why, but not completely. Having two dads was his normal. But he knew that for almost every other kid, it wasn't normal. His dads gave him an opportunity to be who he was at home, but he didn’t always have the same freedom outside of it. Biggest case in point- moving from California to Utah.

Roman was around straight adults just as he was around gay adults. So maybe it influenced the fact that he knew he was gay at such a young age but maybe it didn’t. Who really knew?

The point was Roman was gay. And he knew that. He had known that since he was a child.

Which was why at thirty years old he was struggling so hard with his identity.

Because Roman knew he was gay, it had never been a question. But he wasn’t sure if he was a boy.

It was kind of ironic really, because looking back on it he never really felt like a boy. As a child who knew he was gay and was raise by parents who weren’t straight themselves, he knew that the default mode of cishet wasn’t really that accurate.

So to not have realized by now was genuinely ironic to him.

Plus, one of his partners was trans. He had seen Patton go through much of this process. Patton had top surgery before they had ever met, but Roman had seen him inject himself with hormones, he’d seen Patton struggle with dysphoria, he’d seen the chest scars slowly fade. He’d seen Patton debate about bottom surgery.

His sister was trans. If he had seen a good portion of Patton’s transition, he had seen even more of Esther’s. He had seen her cry when her body felt wrong. Had her express her bittersweetness when people pointed out her identicalness to her twin, Kenny. He knew how she had struggled to want to be connected to her twin but not look quite like him because ‘male’ didn’t fit her. He had helped her learn how to tuck; he had literally practiced on himself to make sure she was doing it safely and correctly.

Bismillah, how hadn’t he realized.

Roman, contrary to popular belief, was not oblivious and uneducated. He knew what trans was. He just didn’t ever realize it could apply to him.

Did it apply to him?

That hit him much in the same way being gay did. It sort of just happened. There was no deep internet search. No person to introduce the concept to him. No epic realization.

One day, Roman just woke up and realized ‘I’m not a boy.’

There was no grand theatrics, which coming from Roman, was surprising. But Roman had never been one for grand theatrics surrounding his identity. He just was. He had always just been.

And he wasn’t a boy.

He could look at the history. He could dig up the history of gender dysphoria and euphoria. He could attempt to pinpoint the moments that proved it. He could search for ‘hey that moment fourteen years ago when that person didn’t realize I was a boy? That felt nice.’ He could reach deep into his memories to find inner battles of expectations of male behavior that had bothered him- not even due to the behavior itself but more because the term ‘male’ that preceded it.

But that wasn’t the point, because Roman didn’t need proof. He wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone. Being trans was an identity for himself, given to himself. No one else could decide that for him. 

But was he trans? Did he identify that way? What did it mean? And more importantly, what did it mean to him?

Roman wasn’t a boy.

Which then immediately led to the follow up question ‘well then what am I?’

Because he knew he wasn’t a girl either, that wasn’t a question.

So non-binary then? Trans and non-binary? Genderfluid? Bigender? Agender? Demi-girl, boy, gender?

Therein lied the question.

And for the first time in his life, Roman questioned his identity. The very concept made him uncomfortable. He had never had to question his identity before and always knew he was. He didn’t like question himself.

So almost as immediately as he had started, he decided he was done questioning.

Because he didn’t really want to question his identity. He didn’t need a perfect phrase to fit him. He could understand that some people did. But that wasn’t him. That had never been him.

Roman was the kid who knew who he was. 

Of course, he found himself questioning things about himself on more than one occasion. But it always was subtle things, like what color nail polish did he want to wear that week. Or which role he wanted to try out for the school play. Roman had never, not once questioned his identity. He just didn’t always realize what parts of it were.

So Roman settled on what he knew.

He was gay.

That was first and foremost, and wasn’t going to change. Because Roman might not be exactly a boy. But the term gay was his label. A label he had worn for years and felt comfortable with. And some people’s labels changed overtime. And that was okay. But that wasn’t Roman.

He wasn’t a boy.

Second, and more recent, causing him to pause and consider the implications of what that meant. Because being labeled as a boy, or man, or male felt wrong. But so did being a girl. Roman didn’t into the binary.

Which lead him to his next conclusion, one that had been a long time coming.

He was genderqueer. 

Genderqueer sat right with him. It was vague enough that Roman dodn’t have to slice and dice who he was. Specific identities made others comfortable. But Roman didn’t need that. He liked the idea of a broad term that fully encompassed who he was. None of the other labels fit that for him. Genderqueer did.

Other people might decide that made him non-binary, or trans, or whatever. Other people who felt the same way as he did might identify differently than he did. That was perfectly valid and acceptable as well. 

But honestly? Roman didn’t care about all that. If those were the labels that seemed to fit best and made other people happy, then that was fine by him. But Roman had never been fond of constricting labels. 

Labels provided Roman with structure, but he didn’t want to build them enough to have them box in him in. Roman didn’t want anything more specific than “not exactly in the boy category.” And genderqueer fit that for him.

He used he/him pronouns.

That had been around longer than even the gay bit. The words and terminology had surrounded him for life. 

He knew he could change them anytime he liked. After all, he had seen his sister go through that very change. He’d seen friends, families, enemies go through that change. He had seen Patton misgendered. 

In addition, Roman himself was an actor, he’d play whatever part came up, no matter the supposed gender. To him, pronouns were just a terminology. Terminology that was to be respected. And for some that terminology was a vital part of their identity. 

Personally, Roman didn’t really care for it. So he would continue to use he/him pronouns. Not male pronouns though, because he wasn’t male. Just he/him.

He would not be using gendered language to refer to himself.

This was the newest piece of knowledge he had granted himself with, and he was quite happy with it. Because to Roman, pronouns were just a phrase, unimportant and insignificant. But gendered language? Now that was a classifier. That restricted Roman, put him in a box. 

Many people liked boxes, especially when they were able to choose them for themselves. They provide comfort and stability, a way to determine themselves and find similarities in others. But Roman was not a box person. Therefore, he would not be using anymore gendered language for himself.

He was gay. He wasn’t a boy. He was genderqueer. He used he/him pronouns. He didn’t use gendered language. 

Those were the five things he knew. Now it was time to implement the knowledge.

This meant coming out, something that Roman had never done in his life. He didn’t see why now had to be any different. So he didn’t. Come out that is.

“Person,” Roman corrected gently when Logan mentioned something about him being a man.

“Spouse or partner,” he said another time when hearing Patton refer to him as his husband.

“Sibling,” he cut in when Virgil mentioned that he seemed like a good older brother.

And that was it. A few nudges at home and is husbands had completely switched over.

There was even a short time when it went too far and they started questionably placing in different pronouns, doing their absolute best to be supportive with limited information.

“She?” Virgil once wavered in conversation. Roman shook his head.

“He,” he replied.

“My spouse, uh- they?” Logan tried.

“He,” Roman was quick to confirm.

“Let me check with Roman, h-” Patton cut himself off, turning to look at Roman.

“He,” Roman confirmed.

It wasn’t an overnight switch, but they all caught on quickly. And Roman never came out.

Work took a bit longer, and he wasn’t quite sure he ever would get everyone switched over consistently. Luckily, the term director was gender neutral, so the main term used to refer to Roman didn’t need to be changed. Plus, he had Deceit on his side to support his transition.

The last people to be informed were his family. For some people, that could be the scariest part. The idea of rejection from people who were supposed to love you unconditionally was a building fear in many. Roman considered himself privileged to have avoided that fear. But they were still last to know.

He hadn’t avoided telling his family at all, things had just gotten busy and he in all honesty forgotten to tell them. He only really remembered when he heard his sister wavering on terminology for him, probably hearing something somewhere down the grapevine from one of his husbands. His solution for them was memes, again, with no explanation. Within a week they had grasped the concept and his new identity.

And that was it.

A coming out that wasn’t every really a coming out.

The next pride they went to, he wore not only the rainbow, but the green white and purple of the Genderqueer flag. Because that’s what fit.

He may never have had this amazing story of coming out. No story about how he was accepted unconditionally or rejected completely when he uttered those words. No story of practicing what he was going to say in the mirror. No story of blurting it out in the heat of the moment. No story of sliding a slip of paper across the table with words. 

Roman didn’t do that.

Coming out happened in billions of different ways, and most people tell it with a story, a story of whenever they first uttered the words to others. Or maybe a story of when they first admitted it to themselves.

Roman’s story had never been that. It had never been a turning point in his life or a big deal.

He just was.

That was enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> **In Depth TW: Gender Dysphoria **(Gender Dysphoria is mentioned a few times in relation to numerous characters)
> 
> Not every has the same story of coming out. Not everyone has come out. And that's okay. You're okay. It's all okay. Breathe. You'll get there when you get there.
> 
> Happy National Coming Out Day. 
> 
> This is for you.
> 
> ~childoflightning
> 
> My tumblr is [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this series.


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